My Wonderland
by iamdkscully
Summary: The moon smiled down like the Cheshire Cat, and like Alice, she had no idea which way to go. Set sometime during Season 8 post-Affinity.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This is my first ever Stargate fic. Hope you like it and please let me know what you think. Thanks :)**

The moon smiled down like the Cheshire Cat and like Alice, she had no idea which way to go.

It wasn't just this stupid trail she'd been exploring it was her whole stinking life right now; too many choices and no way to know which was the right.

'_That's not true, Sam_,' she told herself. '_You know exactly which way you want to go, you're just too afraid to admit it!_'

She stopped, shook her head, and stared in front of her.

"Carter?"

She snapped out of her reverie and turned to face him. "Sir?"

"Whatcha thinkin'? Any reason for us to stick around this place?" He gave her one of his trademark grins that told her he was bored and well ready to call this mission. "Daniel's done with his survey of the ruins. You find anything humworthy out here?"

She flinched and he vividly remembered the last time they'd discussed the topic of humming. Pete.

Her gaze fell to her shoes. "No, Sir," she all but whispered.

"Well, it's getting dark so I say we head back to the gate and call it a night."

They walked in silence, the General leading the way back up the narrow trail they'd been following. Neither of the officers had realized the extent of the incline or just how dark it had gotten until Sam tripped over something she couldn't see and almost fell into him. Jack spun around, reaching with an instinct he'd always had for keeping her safe, grabbing her collar as she fell forward toward the ground. Her face didn't slam into the ground the way she expected to but it still ended up in the dirt as her forward momentum dragged both of them down.

He landed with an "Umph," on one of his bad knees. "You okay, Carter?" he asked grabbing her arm to pull her up.

She meant to say that she was fine. That was her response to everything right?

'_I'm fine._'

'_Everything's fine_.'

'_Fine. Fine. Fine!_' she wanted to shout.

Instead she heard herself say, "Damn it," as tears burned behind her eyes.

"Carter?" he asked again reaching for her face and wiping a smudge of dirt from her cheek.

"Sir, I . . . " '_D__amn why is this so hard?' _She looked away and made a move to get up and grimaced as she felt her left ankle give out. She could tell it was sprained the minute she tried to put her full weight on it and the General was immediately at her side as he noticed it too.

"Ankle?" he asked.

"Yes, Sir. I'm okay, it's just a little sprain, " she said as she winced. Wow, she had almost believed herself. In truth, her entire foot was starting to throb and it hurt like hell but at least it took her mind off of the pain she'd been wrestling with all day in her head. She grimaced again as she tried to step forward and ended up leaning against a tree. She let her head fall back against the cool bark and closed her eyes as she listened to Jack talk into his radio. "Daniel? Teal'c? You copy?"

"Yeah, Jack, we're here. What's up?"

"Daniel, we're gonna take a little longer than expected to get back."

"Everything okay, Jack?" he asked, the concern in his voice evident.

"It will be. Carter took a spill on the trail. Looks like she sprained her ankle so it's gonna be slow going, especially with it getting so dark. Hold your position and you should see us within the hour."

"Okay, Jack. We'll leave a light on for ya."

"Thanks, O'Neill out." He looked at her leaning against the tree. "You sure you're up to this Carter?"

"Yes, sir." Here it comes he thought, "I'm fine, really."

Yep. She'd said it. Those two words that let him know that things actually sucked but she'd ignore it for now and get the job done no matter what. "Okay let's move out," he said as he put his right arm around her waist and grabbed the wrist of her left arm as she put it around his neck.

Sam grimaced again as they took the first few steps and had to readjust their packs and weapons to make their embrace a little less awkward and painful for them both. She already felt guilty about his knee, but noticed he didn't seem to be limping too badly.

"I'm sorry sir," she said quietly as they continued up the trail.

"For what Carter, not being able to see what's right in front of you?" he sighed, "It happens to the best of us."


	2. Chapter 2

**I thought that this story was only a one-chapter story. Turns out I was wrong. :) ****And, I had hoped to post this next chapter over a week ago, but my Mac cord died and I had to wait to get a new one.**

**Thank you to those who've been reading. I'm new to writing fanfiction and am having a great time with this story and have already started another. Please review if you can. Thanks!**

* * *

"I wonder if I've been changed in the night. Let me think. Was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is 'Who in the world am I?' Ah, that's the great puzzle!" -Alice Lewis Carroll, _Alice in Wonderland_

* * *

Puzzle indeed. As Sam lay in her infirmary bed waiting to be released, she wondered at what had transpired during their short mission the day before. 'I don't think I can do this anymore,' she thought to herself as she continued to contemplate the ceiling tiles. It'd been so late when her team got back that she'd had to stay in the infirmary over night. The pain in her ankle was now down to a light throb and the doctor had promised she'd be released soon, but SG-8 had come in hot just after dawn from an ambush on P3Y-116 and now Sam had to bide her time until things calmed down enough for the doc to get the chance to let her go. Unfortunately, this only gave her more time to do one thing…think.

Ugh. She was so tired of thinking that her head was starting to hurt.

She rubbed her eyes and then threw one arm over them as she lay there thinking about what had been said the day before. She'd been unable to respond to the General's comment as they walked back to the gate, in fact, she felt like he had punched her in the gut when he'd said it and she'd had to stop to catch her breath under the guise of readjusting her pack.

She knew that her engagement to Pete had always felt a bit off. So had her engagement to Jonas. There was always something that kept her from feeling like she thought you were supposed to when you were getting married. The joy was there, at first, in both relationships. But, she'd been so wrong about Jonas that it had taken her a long time to trust another man with her heart. It wasn't the physical abuse that had shocked her with Jonas. She'd watched his personality darken as their relationship wore on and she'd learned how to diffuse his temper more often than not. It was the horrible things that he'd said to her that had taken her by surprise and that she'd never forget. It was the way he manipulated her by using her own thoughts and insecurities against her, the way he bashed her dreams and was able to make her feel like she was nothing that cut her to the bone and _that_ was unforgivable. She still marveled at how she had been so smart and yet so very stupid all at the same time. How did she let him control her like that? He'd proven again just how easy it was when she'd had to confront him on P3X-513. Because of that, there was a part of her that was glad he was dead. If only her insecurity would have died with him.

Things had been very different since she was with Jonas. Oh she'd had crushes and even a tryst or two over the years, but she refused to open up to another man and let him hurt her that way again. So she hadn't had a serious relationship in years.

But Pete was different. She couldn't believe that she'd actually fallen for someone who her brother had set her up with. And, it turned out that he was the first person she'd dated in a long time that she was able to be honest with. Despite his actions early in their relationship, he'd come clean about having a friend at the FBI do a background check on her when she told him she couldn't reveal more about what she did for a living. Once she was able to get him some clearance, after seeing Osiris use her hand device, she was able to at least talk about her job even if not in specifics and that made things so much easier between them.

Pete was sweet, kind, loving, there was definitely physical chemistry, and he not only made her feel like a woman again, but put her first and made her a priority in his life. He'd even put in for a transfer to Colorado Springs to be closer to her. With Pete, she'd been able to get dressed up, go dancing, be sexy and flirty, and feel like a princess on more than one occasion. She was able to go out in public and show affection and act like a couple and not feel ashamed of showing that she cared about him. And, she didn't feel like she always had something to prove around him like she did around the men at work. Pete understood that she was under unusual stress and strain with her job at the SGC and that is probably why he was content to wait two weeks for his girlfriend to answer his marriage proposal.

'Who does that?' she thought with another groan. 'Why did I say yes? Why didn't he try to stop me?'

A tear slipped down her cheek before she even realized it was there.

Though she wasn't a deeply spiritual person, her mom had taken them to church when she was younger and there were still times she found comfort in reading her mother's bible. And since she'd always had a knack for memorizing what she'd read, she remembered a scripture that talked about lusting after someone with your mind being just as bad as if you had physically committed adultery. She realized now that _that_ was the problem with her in this relationship with Pete. It's what had bothered her for all this time. She'd been cheating on Pete. Not physically of course, she'd never do that. No, but emotionally she had never fully been in their relationship. Her thoughts were never fully on Pete. Her thoughts, and she now realized her heart, had always been with someone else.

"_I'm sorry sir…" _

"_For what Carter, not being able to see what's right in front of you?" he sighed, "It happens to the best of us." _

How had she let things go so far? How could she treat him like this? He deserved so much better.

As she put her head in her hands and pulled at her hair in frustration, she heard his voice.

"Hey, Carter."

"Hey, Sir." She moved her good leg up so that she could wrap her arms around it. She laid her head on her arms and looked up at him blushing slightly with embarrassment. "How's the knee?" She still felt guilty about his injury. If she had been paying attention, she wouldn't have tripped and he wouldn't have fallen.

"Oh, it's alright. Nothing some ice and a little T3 won't handle." He smiled at her as he pulled a chair closer to her bed. "What about you? How's the ankle?"

"It's sprained, but not as bad as it could have been. The doc has already cleared me to go but I got stuck waiting for the chaos to die down before she can spring me." She sighed. "I've got to use crutches for a couple of days but I should be back on full duty within a week or so." She forced a smile to her face but he could see it didn't reach her beautiful blue eyes.

"You sure you're okay?" he asked.

"Truth, sir?" she asked hesitantly.

"Um, yeah, sure," he said rubbing his hands over his face uncertainly.

"I really don't know." She looked down as she said it, tears threatening to fall again.

"Well, is there anything I can do to help?"

She looked up into his eyes and found that she could not look away even as another tear slid down her cheek. She could see the hurt reflecting back at her from those deep brown pools. 'Geez Carter,' she thought to herself, 'can you make anyone else miserable today?'

She didn't realize that he was thinking the same thing.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: So sorry it has taken so long to post this chapter. I've had a hard time getting inside Jack's head so I'm not really sure I like this chapter…plus I have a 5 year old and a 3 year old so my me time is limited. Thanks for reading and reviewing!**

**These wonderful characters do not belong to me. I forgot to mention that.**

* * *

"But it's no use now," thought poor Alice, "to pretend to be two people! Why, there's hardly enough of me left to make one respectable person!"  
― Lewis Carroll, _Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass_

* * *

'_Way to go, Jack!'_

He knew that this entire situation was his fault. He never should have let it get to this point. Now he was tired of pretending to be someone he wasn't, and staring into her glistening eyes, he could see the pain she was in from doing the same. He reached out gently and wiped her tears away with his thumb and let his hand linger to caress her cheek.

He'd known when she'd shown him that ring that she was looking for some kind of confirmation from him that if she said no that she wasn't going to end up alone. That it was more than just a possibility that they could act on their feelings. That they could figure out how to make it work. He couldn't give her what she wanted.

He _wouldn't_.

Not because he didn't want to. He still loved her as much as he ever had but he couldn't bring himself to be the only reason that she said no to the possibility of a normal life.

Looking at her now, though, all he could think was 'I_ don't think I can do this anymore.'_

As she closed her eyes with a barely audible sigh, he let his hand fall from her face. He couldn't pretend that everything was okay. But as he opened his mouth to say something more, Dr. Brightman walked over to them carrying a pair of crutches.

"Ready to go, Colonel?" she asked.

"More than ready Ma'am," Sam replied.

The doctor gave her a few discharge instructions and sent Sam on her way with a prescription for pain medication for her to fill on the way home. It was only after she'd been left alone again that Sam realized that she had a problem. Yesterday she had ridden her bike to the base.

She looked around, hoping that the General was still somewhere around the infirmary, but she didn't see him anywhere. "It figures," she whispered to herself grabbing the crutches. Sam pulled herself up figuring she'd go find Daniel.

She was halfway to the elevator when she saw Jack.

He'd left the infirmary while Dr. Brightman was talking to Sam, torn between his need to stay by her side and make absolutely sure that she was okay and his determination not to allow his true feelings to show. So, in typical O'Neill fashion, he had skulked down the hall in avoidance of the entire situation and any conversation that might follow.

He was now standing against the wall in front of the elevator with his hands in his pockets staring at his boots.

Sam could tell from his posture that he was scowling. And he was apparently was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't hear her coming.

"General?"

"Colonel," he said narrowing his eyes as he looked up at her.

"Everything okay, Sir?" she asked hesitantly unsure of what she was seeing behind his eyes.

"Truth, Carter?"

"Yeah, sure, okay," she said borrowing his earlier response to her same question.

"I really don't know."

Once more they found themselves lost in each others eyes trying desperately to remember why things could not be as their souls felt. It was Jack who finally looked away but quickly offered her a smile so warm it could've melted chocolate.

She couldn't help but smile back. "General, I was wondering, well…I was gonna ask Daniel, but, since you're still here…Do you think you could, what I mean is, I…" Geez, what was wrong with her? '_You're only asking for a ride home Sam not a date to the prom,_' she goaded herself gently.

"Out with it Carter," he said unable to help grinning again as she stammered.

"I rode my bike to work yesterday and now..." she motioned to her injured ankle, "I need a ride home. Do you think you could take me, General?"

He cleared his throat.

_'Oh my God, did I really just say that?!'_

"Sure Carter, I'll take you," he said his grin now a smirk.

- TBC -


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N : Sorry it's taken so long...thank you so very much to everyone who's left a review. If I didn't personally thank you I apologize, my laptop's been acting up. Thanks for sticking with me :)**

**Having said that, I realized as I was writing the next installments of this story that my timeline was a little wonky. So, I have gone back and hopefully fixed the problem. Mainly, Jack should be a General and Sam should be a Lt. Colonel if this is post-Affinity which is where it's been in my mind...so I have tried to fix it.**

* * *

"Alice had got so much into the way of expecting nothing but out-of-the-way things to happen, that it seemed quite dull and stupid for life to go on in the common way."  
― Lewis Carroll, _Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass_

* * *

Samantha Carter was holding things together pretty well. At least she thought she was considering all that had happened in the last year.

This whole mess started with those damn hallucinations she experienced while lost on board the Prometheus. Maybe it was one of the effects of the severe concussion that had caused her to say yes to Mark's suggestion that she go out with Pete in the first place. Although she couldn't blame the entire relationship on her head injury, could she? Soon after she'd started seeing him, she was off to the Alpha site with her dad to work on a weapon to counteract the armor of Anubis's super-soldiers. That trip had ended with her literally having to run for her life while one of those super-soldiers tracked her every move. It wasn't long after her injuries had healed that she'd had to deal with Janet's death. Losing her best friend was hard enough but she also became the mother of a teenager in the process and both she and Cassie were still adjusting to their new relationship.

Then Jack went Ancient, she was kidnapped and tortured by Fifth, they were both promoted and took on new commands, add in dealing with her evil doppelgänger, the Go'auld infiltration of the Trust and the Russian government, and it's no wonder she hasn't been in her right mind. She wished she could use all of this as her excuse, but she knew it was not that easy.

So much crazy had been going on that she didn't know how to handle calm and normal any longer. She also now knew that calm and normal was _not_ what she really wanted. And because of that, she hadn't quite figured out how to end things with Pete she only knew that she needed to follow her heart. She loved him but was not _in love_ with him and her recent accident on P3X-157 had given her the perspective she'd needed to realize that he was not the one who would make her happy.

She was in love with crazy and unpredictable.

* * *

Her mind wandered back to the day General O'Neill drove her home from the infirmary...

The General had insisted on loading her motorcycle into the back of his truck and taking it home for her. She watched him enlist the help of one of the SFs at the gate to put her bike in the back and had to stifle a giggle when he barked at him to "For crying out loud be careful!" as they lay it down in the bed of the truck.

"I really appreciate this, Sir," she said as they pulled away from the base.

"No problem, Carter but I gotta ask, why didn't you call Shanahan?" The distain he felt for the man came through clearly in the way he said _Shanahan_.

Sam's smile faded as quickly as it had appeared. _'Tell him Sam,'_ her stubborn inner voice insisted. _'I can't pretend anymore,'_ Sam thought looking at the man in the driver's seat. He glanced her way and gave her a small smile that she returned before turning to look out the window again.

"Can't pretend, Carter?" he questioned.

"What?" she asked realizing she'd voiced her thought out loud.

"You said you couldn't pretend anymore."

"Oh, I…well, never mind. I didn't call Pete because he's out of town right now," she replied with a tone that suggested he not ask about him again.

Jack let it go. She obviously was uncomfortable discussing her fiancé with him and he figured as much. But sometimes he just couldn't help himself. He still didn't understand how Sam and Shanahan ended up together. He was supposed to be the one sweeping her off her feet not some cop who calls her "Babe." '_I wonder how he gets away with that anyway,'_ he thought.

They drove in silence the rest of the way.

It was only after the bike was put away and she settled herself on the couch with a wince that Sam remembered her prescription. "Shoot," she exclaimed as she tried to get comfortable.

"Carter? You okay in there?" Jack called from the kitchen.

"Fine, Sir," she called. "Just remembering something I forgot to do."

"What is it?" he asked as he walked in carrying two mugs filled with hot tea.

"My pain meds," she smiled up at him sheepishly as she picked up her crutches.

He took them out of her hands. "Where's the scrip?" he asked as he handed her one of the steaming mugs.

She pulled the crumpled paper out of her jeans pocket. He grabbed it before she could try to protest, threw a blanket over her lap, told her to stay put, and grabbed his keys.

"Sir, you don't have to do this," she practically shouted at him from the living room.

"Shut up, Sam," he called as he opened the door.

She smiled as she heard him drive away and she knew that she was in trouble.

He returned half an hour later with her medication, Chinese takeout, and a movie. He gave her the meds, made her up a plate, and made sure her foot was propped up before starting the DVD. He grinned as he plopped down beside her with a full plate of his own and a beer.

Yep, she sighed, she was in big trouble.

* * *

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

**Sorry it's taken so long to get this chapter posted. My house got hit with a stomach flu twice in a 2-week period :P **

**All of the "spoken" dialogue (the dialogue in double quotes) between the characters in this chapter is taken from the Season 8 episode Threads (all of the dialogue in single quotes is still internal thoughts). This chapter and the next are basically tags for that episode.**

**Stargate, not mine. Characters, not mine. Oh, how I wish they could be. **

**Review please! Do you like where this is going?**

* * *

"My dear, here we must run as fast as we can, just to stay in place. And if you wish to go anywhere you must run twice as fast as that."  
― Lewis Carroll, _Alice in Wonderland_

* * *

It would seem that the universe was trying to tell her something. And there's nothing like facing your own mortality and the possible destruction of the world, to really help you gain perspective. So, when Pete took her to see the house he bought, Sam was breathless for all the wrong reasons. How could she have ever believed that this would be what she wanted? She barely heard Pete's comment about the dog before she found herself retching on the lawn. She apologized profusely and made an excuse about something she must have eaten as he helped her to her feet and back into the car. Pete drove her home and at her insistence, left a few minutes later insisting she was just going to go back to bed and get some rest. But as soon as his car was gone, she grabbed her own keys and all but ran out the door.

* * *

It's amazing how little the impending destruction of the planet could take her mind off of the problems her heart was facing. Sam was thankful for the distraction, but the truth of the matter was that the closer they came to annihilation, the more she thought about Jack O'Neill.

She tried to pretend she didn't know where she was going. So she rolled down her windows, blared the radio, and let herself lose all track of time as she drove around Colorado Springs. It was such a beautiful day that it was hard to believe how wrong her world seemed. It was several hours later when she found herself parked in Jack O'Neill's driveway. She turned off the car, but sat unmoving. '_I don't think I can do this,_' she told herself yet again. '_But if you don't do it now, you'll regret it._' She glanced at the ring on her hand and climbed out of the car.

* * *

The drive back to the SGC was a complete blur. She knew she should've realized sooner that something was wrong with her dad. His entire demeanor during their meeting with Pete the day before and his attitude afterwards had been too somber. She could tell he wasn't sure about what to think of him and that had only added to her own doubts about her engagement. Now though as she sped toward Cheyenne Mountain, she couldn't help but dwell on the scene she'd just witnessed and couldn't stop it playing through her mind.

She was finally seeing straight after the incident with the house.

She was ready to lay everything on the line and tell him how she felt.

She had to know before she took the trip down the aisle once and for all where things stood with him.

"_Look, is this okay? I mean, I could have called first."_

He stammers a bit as he replies, "_No, yeah. I mean…it's fine. So, um…" _he glances uncomfortably toward the back door, _"what brings you to this neck of the woods on such a fine day, in my backyard?"_

"_Well actually I've…ummm,"_ she pauses clearing her throat before continuing,_ "been sitting in your driveway for the last ten minutes, trying to work up the nerve to come and talk to you."_

The General just looks at her, eyebrows raised.

_"The truth is I've been trying to work up the nerve for a lot longer than that."_ She desperately tries to keep her voice in check as she struggles to keep breathing evenly and takes another deep breath.

_"Oh?"_ The look of confusion on his face spurs her on.

_"Pete put a down-payment down on a house," _she hears herself blurt out.

_"Well, that's great!" _he says with a little too much enthusiasm_._

_"It's a beautiful house."_ She can't help but hear the trepidation in her own voice.

_"But…"_

_"The… the truth is, I'm having second thoughts about the wedding."_ She can barely believe she'd said it out loud, let alone the fact that she had just said it directly to Jack.

_"Why?"_ he asks softly his surprise laced with concern.

_"See, the thing is, the closer it gets, the more I get the feeling that I'm making a big, huge mistake," _she swallows hard and tries to breathe evenly as she speaks.

Though desperate to know why she is telling him this now and wanting to know more, he can't help but glance uncomfortably toward the door, again. If Carter notices, she doesn't let on.

_"Look, Carter, I don't know what…"_

She cuts him off and continues knowing that if she doesn't finish what she has to say at this moment, she'll lose the nerve.

_"I'm sorry to bother you with this, but uh, see, there's actually a very good reason that I'm bothering you with this, and if I don't tell you now, I might never…"_

* * *

That was when her world slowly started to crack.

And she knew it was stupid, but she'd never expected to find another woman at the General's house. It wasn't that she couldn't believe that he'd gotten involved with someone; it was that she couldn't believe that he'd really let go. Of her and of what they might have had.

It was so unfair.

'_No, Sam, it's not,_' she scolded herself. '_You tried to move on with Pete and Jack tried to move on with Kerry. Yes, it sucks but you have no right to say it isn't fair…__**you**__ took the first step away, he just followed your lead thinking that your feelings had changed!'_ She shook her head trying to calm her nerves and get her thoughts in check. '_You need to think about Dad right now, Sam,_' she reminded herself. She brushed the tears from her face as she stopped the car.

She had no idea what was in store for her once she reached the infirmary.

* * *

TBC


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Once again, any dialogue in double quotes and italics is taken directly from "Threads" while dialogue in single quotes and italics and in double quotes and regular font is mine. **

**The next couple of chapters are almost ready so the wait won't be quite so long between postings.**

* * *

"In a Wonderland they lie, Dreaming as the days go by, Dreaming as the summers die:  
Ever drifting down the stream- Lingering in the golden gleam- Life, what is it but a dream?"  
― Lewis Carroll, _Through the Looking Glass_

* * *

'_This can't be happening.'_

She closed her eyes tight against the barrage of thoughts and images playing out before her.

'_It's my fault. I'm the reason he joined the Tok'ra in the first place. Things could've been different…__**Yeah, Sam, he would have died in that hospital four years ago and you would never have gotten your family back**__! But I dragged him into this war selfishly hoping only to save him. I knew he'd never say no.'_

"I'm so sorry, Daddy," she whispered to his sleeping form. She closed her eyes and let the tears she'd been fighting all day slip silently down her cheeks.

"Hey," he said softly squeezing the hand she was already holding. "You have nothing to be sorry about kiddo. I'm so proud of you! And, I have you to thank for these last few amazing years. Sam, I don't regret this, any of this, and neither should you. Selmak gave us an incredible gift. She gave us back to each other." He smiled at her and continued. "Samantha, I remember the loneliness and the emptiness I used to feel and the anger and resentment that took over after your mother died…Selmak helped take all of that away and gave me the perspective I needed to see just how much I needed you and your brother back in my life. Do you remember what I told you after your mom's funeral about not dwelling on the bad but celebrating the good?" A small smile formed on her lips as Sam looked into her dad's face and he reached up to grab her chin. "Sammie, don't let the bad of these last few months take the joy out of what's to come, _whatever_ that may be." He cupped her cheek in his hand and gave her another soft, knowing smile.

Sam grabbed his hand in hers and then in an effort to keep more tears at bay, she changed the subject. "A number of the Tok'ra have responded…"

* * *

Jack had decided to give Carter some space after yesterday's debacle in his backyard. He knew what she had been trying to say to him but he was glad when Kerry had come outside interrupting her stammering explanation for seeking him out after Pete's surprise. Now his thoughts strayed to the words Kerry had left him with earlier that day…

"_Is the Air Force the only thing that's keeping you two apart? Rules and regulations? Cuz if it is you are making a very big mistake."_

"_And you know what I should do?"_

"_Retire."_

"_Again?"_

"_Don't get me wrong, you are considered invaluable to the program by the Pentagon, but the President has appointed a civilian to run the SGC before. Just a thought."_

He took that thought with him as he made his way down to the isolation room where Jacob had been moved. He knew that several of the Tok'ra had been coming and going over the last few hours and figured that the man could use a break. He also wanted to check on Sam, of course.

Kerry had no idea just how right she was about his "issues." He'd thought he had it all figured out, that he could move on. He'd let Sam go by not interfering with her decision to accept Pete's proposal and he thought that had been it. The End. Kerry had provided a much needed distraction. They had fun together and the chemistry was there but he knew better than to think it would go very much further than it already had. He was actually relieved that she'd been the one to break things off and he hadn't been allowed to continue to pretend.

His thoughts were broken as he rounded the corner and he saw Sam standing outside the doorway of her dad's room leaning against the wall in much the same way he'd seen her lean into the tree when she'd hurt her ankle a few weeks ago on P3X-157. Head back and eyes closed, she looked as if she were wishing that the wall would take away her pain.

He gently placed a hand on her shoulder and felt her immediately relax as if her body just knew it was him. "Carter?"

She kept her eyes closed as she answered, "Yes, sir?"

"Need a break?" he asked softly.

The complete and utter exhaustion in her eyes when she turned to look at him was all the answer he needed. "C'mon, let's go get some coffee."

"But…"

"No buts, Sam. If anything happens we won't be far." He gently took her arm and started leading her away from the wall and toward the elevator at the end of the hall.

As the doors opened and they stepped inside, she looked up at Jack as Jacob's words echoed in her head...

_"I just want to know you're gonna be happy."_

_"I am."_ She tries her best to sound convincing.

Jacob looks at her with an exasperated look on his face, _"Don't let rules stand in your way."_

_"What are you talking about?"_ She tries to keep her voice steady. He couldn't possibly know, could he? How, how could he know?

"You joined the Air Force because of me."

She smiles and doesn't deny it. _"I love my job."_ She _had_ joined the Air Force because of her father. Some part of her had hoped that their military connection would help bridge the distance in their personal relationship. In the end, it did. It just took a lot longer than she had anticipated. And, she now realizes that it all came with a heavy price.

Jacob nods and puts his hand on her cheek. Looking her directly in the eyes, he says, _"You can still have everything you want."_

"_I do, Dad."_

Jacob sighs and looks at her fondly as she holds one of his hands in both of hers.

"_Really."_ She didn't know if she was truly trying to convince her father or herself that this was true. But either way, she didn't sound very convincing at all.


	7. Chapter 7

"I wonder if the snow loves the trees and fields, that it kisses them so gently? And then it covers them up snug, you know, with a white quilt; and perhaps it says "Go to sleep, darlings, till the summer comes again."  
― Lewis Carroll, _Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass_

* * *

They walked in silence to the commissary. No one else was here this late but Sam took a seat at their usual table while Jack fetched some coffee and a snack for each of them. As he turned to take the tray to the table, he paused and took a moment to look at her. Even in exhaustion, she was beautiful.

It tore at his heart that he couldn't really help her right now. Her father was about to die and no one could change that this time. Because they knew that this time there'd be no last minute save. Standing there, he could see the strain on her face. She was thinking, wheels spinning, trying to figure out just what was needed to fix this problem. But this problem could not be solved.

She started as he set the tray down on the table, obviously just as deep in thought as he'd assumed. He handed her a cup of coffee and a piece of chocolate cake. "Sorry, no Jello tonight."

"S'okay. Thank you, General." She gave him a small smile. "I really needed this."

"It's not even good coffee, Carter." He said as he smiled back.

"It's ironic, don't you think." She looked at him with clouded eyes.

"What's that?"

"I was just thinking about how Selmak saved Dad's life just a few years ago and now Selmak is the reason Dad's going to…" she couldn't bring herself to say it.

They sat in silence finishing their snack. When they'd finished, Jack put their dishes away and walked her back to the elevator.

"Carter, go get some sleep." Before she could protest he continued, "I'm going to go check on Dad. You're exhausted. Just take a couple of hours and I'll wake you if anything changes."

She merely nodded and when the elevator stopped, Jack got out and walked her to her room. She opened the door and turned to face him.

"Sir, I…" He grabbed her hands in his and didn't let her finish.

"You can't fix everything, Sam," his eyes were soft as he said it. She pulled her hands from his and turned and walked into her room.

"But that's my job, right," she argued. "It's what I'm always expected to do." She started pacing as she spoke. "Aliens are coming to annihilate the planet. Don't worry, Carter will figure something out. Trapped on another planet with no way to get home? Relax, enjoy the local fare because Sam's coming to the rescue you just have to wait for her to rewrite the laws of physics and create something that shouldn't exist."

He winced when his eyes met hers but he merely closed her door behind him and let her continue.

"Blow up a sun, Sam. Keep a black hole from sucking us up, Sam. Figure out this ancient device and make it work, Sam. We're in trouble, c'mon Carter, think of something!"

Her voice had risen to a shout but now dropped to a painful whisper, "I can't do it this time, Sir, I don't have another rabbit to pull out of my hat."

He looked at her not knowing exactly what to say.

She looked back and couldn't keep the tears from welling in her eyes. "It's not fair, sir."

He knew that all of this had been building inside her for quite some time, probably years even, but her Air Force training and her Carter stubbornness had helped keep everything at bay. Now, as she faced losing her father again he knew that she couldn't hold onto her strong façade any longer. She'd been wading waist deep for a long time and he now needed to save her from drowning. And despite the current state of their "relationship" he knew that he was the only one who'd be able to help her face the harshness of her this reality.

"Life rarely is, Carter, especially for us. But, we'll get through this, I promise."

"We?" she asked through the tears that clouded her vision but refused to fall.

"Yes, Sam." He closed the distance between them and opened his arms. "C'mere."

She wilted into his embrace and let herself give in to the sobs that had been straining her words. "We."


	8. Chapter 8

"It's no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then."  
― Lewis Carroll, _Alice in Wonderland_

* * *

She stood staring at herself in the mirror. She longed to be dressed in her BDUs gearing up for a week-long trek through the mountains off world instead of putting on her crisp, clean dress blues trying to keep herself together enough to speak at her father's funeral.

She hadn't heard him, but tears formed in her eyes once again as she saw Jack's reflection as he stood in the doorway behind her.

At least she wouldn't be alone.

She needed him today. She needed him so much that she wasn't afraid to let anyone see it. His strength was holding her together. There was no way she could pretend, no way to get around their feelings, without him she would not be able to make it through this day.

"I don't think I can do this, Sir." Her voice hitched as she turned to look at him. "I can't…how am I going to do this?" She couldn't stop the tears again. God, she felt like all she'd done these last few weeks is cry. Tears for Daniel. Tears for herself. Tears for Jack. Tears for what she'd done to Pete. Tears of joy over the fleeting thought of freedom to finally make the _right_ decision. Frightened tears, sad tears, and now tears of desperation and devastation.

"C'mere."

It was all he had to say to send her into his arms where she clung to him for dear life.

* * *

Pete came to the service.

He made no move to stand with the family or with Sam's team. In fact, he stayed near the back of the church and on the periphery of the crowd at the gravesite. He came only to show support for his ex-fiancé and her brother.

Yet, he couldn't help but notice the interactions between Sam and the three men on her team.

A steadying hand from Daniel as she stood to speak, a reassuring nod from Teal'c when she faltered during her speech, the unwavering gaze full of unspoken affection from her CO that kept her from falling apart, and the same reflected in her sparkling blue eyes as she sought his gaze for support.

And, it was in a subtle movement that he saw her reasoning for ending their relationship and he knew for certain that she was right. It was the way O'Neill touched her and the way her body responded to his touch. His hand at the small of her back as she cried at the cemetery, the way he steadied her shaking hands with a caress of her arm as Taps was played and finally, the gentle way he clasp her shoulder as she was handed the flag from her father's casket.

This might have gone unnoticed by any ordinary onlooker, might have looked to the outside observer like nothing more than a caring commanding officer comforting his second-in-command. He doubted her brother would even have noticed, but he'd heard her speak of her team with such passion that he now realized why he had been so jealous of them.

They were already a family. She was a part of them and they were a part of her. She needed them. She needed them in a way that she had never needed him. She couldn't commit to him because these three men already held her heart. And perhaps one held it more closely than either of them would ever admit.

Yes, to anyone else, it was nothing more than the support of a fellow soldier and comrade-in-arms, but to those who knew Jack and Sam, the intimacy in those moments was so much more.

Pete approached the family with apprehension to say his goodbyes and express his condolences. Sam looked at him and he could see the sadness in her smile. He knew without a doubt that she had never meant to hurt him, but she'd been unable to fight the truth.

And so, he kissed her gently on the cheek, whispered, "I'm sorry," and slowly made his way back to his car.

* * *

**AN: OK, so don't hate me because of Pete. I couldn't help it. This chapter just came out. I hope it worked. –S**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: So, so sorry for taking so very long to get this next chapter up. My muse took an unauthorized holiday and only just returned. Not to mention how much RL interfered with my creative process. Ah well, I hope you enjoy!**

* * *

"'I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, Sir,' said Alice, 'because I'm not myself you see.'"  
- Lewis Carroll, _Alice in Wonderland_

* * *

She was curled up in a chair on his deck having traded her dress blues for a pair of old jogging pants and one of his favorite hoodies. Daniel had brought her a cup of coffee that she clutched in her hands as she stared out into the darkness.

"Jack, shouldn't we…" but Daniel couldn't finish as Jack cut him off.

"She needs a little space Danny. Just give it to her. She knows we're here."

"OK. Teal'c and I are going to make a supply run. You have no food here ya know."

"And by food you mean there's no more coffee?" Jack smirked at him as he threw up his hand at him and turned to leave. Teal'c, in turn, gave him a nod as they headed out the door.

Jack resumed his post.

She'd been outside for over an hour and though she was starting to get cold, she couldn't bear to go back inside. It was helping. The darkness and the cold were taking her mind away from the pain she'd been feeling these last few days. She still couldn't believe that so much of her life had changed so quickly and so drastically. She didn't hear the door open or Jack's footsteps as he approached. He placed a blanket around her shoulders and turned to leave.

"Stay." Her voice betrayed her and she could hear the fearfully desperate sound it made as she begged him not to leave her alone.

He moved to pull a chair over but she grabbed his hand. He took her mug, set it aside, and gently helped her move forward on her chair just far enough so that he could slide in behind her. Wrapping his arms around her shoulders, he pulled her back so that she was lying against him. Sam rested her head between his chin and his shoulder and he lightly kissed her hair. She sighed and he felt her relax.

"My dad told me that I could still have everything I want," she said after several minutes finally breaking the silence. "I want someone to come home to. I want a family. I want a little girl with sandy colored hair, big brown eyes, and a wicked grin just like her daddy." She could hear his heart beat just a little quicker. "So, what do you think, Sir? Is it possible after all this time or am I just kidding myself by still thinking of the possibility?"

For a moment, he said nothing but when his silence on the subject seemed to cause the next round of tears to fall, he spoke quietly. "I think we've both been kidding ourselves for a long time, Sam," and he reached without hesitation to wipe the tears from her face much like he'd done that day in the infirmary, "but I think we may finally be on the right track."

They lay there on the deck letting the quiet calm both of their hearts.

Jack wasn't sure how much time had passed when he heard the door and turned to see that Teal'c and Daniel had returned.

"Jack?" Daniel said cautiously, "everything ok?"

"Yeah, we're ok, Daniel." Jack looked down at Sam and smiled. "For the first time in a long time, we're ok."

Daniel could just make out Sam's sleeping form now curled into Jack's chest with a look of contentment on her tear stained face. Jack smiled at Daniel and shared the same content expression as he closed his own eyes.

Daniel ducked back inside to grab a quilt off the guest room bed. He brought it out and laid it over his two best friends both now sleeping more peacefully than he'd seen them in years. "It's about time you guys," he whispered as he went back inside to start dinner.

As the door closed Sam snuggled a little closer and Jack tightened his hold on her smiling.

* * *

She had no idea how long she'd been asleep but Sam shivered as she awoke and felt arms tighten around her. She was cold and she had to pee but she had no desire to move. She inhaled deeply and found herself lost in an intoxicating mixture of aftershave and wood smoke. She finally opened her eyes and looked up at the man who was holding her tightly.

"Hey there," he whispered sleepily.

"Hey, yourself."

"Cold?"

"A bit."

He smiled and rubbed her arms. "C'mon, let's go inside. I'm sure Daniel and Teal'c probably have dinner close to ready by now."

She pulled herself up off of his chest just enough that he was able to get out of the chair. He then reached for her hand to help her to her feet. For a moment they just stood there, eyes interlocked. Then, Jack pulled her close and with his arm around her shoulders, led them inside.

* * *

Sam awoke once more that night with Jack's arms wrapped around her shoulders.

This time they were on the couch having fallen asleep watching a movie.

She looked around the room and smiled.

Daniel was passed out in the chair, glasses askew, legs dangling over one side while his head threatened to fall off the other.

Teal'c sat stoically as ever against the opposite wall meditating or sleeping, she couldn't tell which.

She couldn't remember when she'd been as afraid as she had been this past week as she laid her father to rest. So many uncertainties had plagued her. She'd pulled away from her team since Pete came into her life, kept them at a distance, telling them only parts of the truth. She wasn't sure that they still trusted her the same way they had before. And, some little part of her brain had decided that the guys would finally have had enough and leave her to pick up the pieces alone.

For someone so smart, she was seriously stupid sometimes and right now she was thanking God for proving her wrong.

TBC


	10. Chapter 10

**I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I finally overcame my writer's block and then my charger almost fried my laptop **** luckily it didn't but I was left without a working computer for the last 2 weeks. So I took out some paper and a pen (really!) and only just got all my notes typed up and sorted into this…So without further ado, here's Chapter 10. Thanks for sticking with me!**

* * *

"Only a few find the way, some don't recognize it when they do - some... don't ever want to."  
― The Cheshire Cat

* * *

Not surprisingly, Sam slept through most of the next day. At some point in the night, Jack really wasn't sure when, he'd carried her to his bedroom and there he'd lain with her for most of the night, soothing her when she became fitful but mostly just watching her sleep.

He knew that she was in no condition to go back to work and so he'd decided the entire team would get at least another full week of down time. He'd also decided that down time would be spent together. Between Daniel's disappearance and almost ascension (again) and Jacob's death, Jack just felt the need to keep everyone close.

He'd just gotten off the phone with General Hammond when Sam made her way into the kitchen.

"What time is it?" she asked through a yawn.

"Noon."

"Wow. And I still feel like I could sleep for a week." She rubbed her eyes and ran her hands through her hair.

He grinned up at her. She was still dressed in his jogging pants and sweatshirt but her bare feet had found their way into his slippers. '_Damn_,' he thought to himself, '_I think I could get used to this._'_  
_

"Coffee, Sleeping Beauty?"

"Please," she replied grinning back unaware of the effect she was having on her CO.

She took a moment to look around the kitchen. The General was amazingly neat. Whether it be aide of his career or just his personality, she really wasn't sure but for some reason it always seemed to surprise her.

She watched him carefully as he made a fresh pot of coffee. It wasn't as if she'd never been here before, never woken up in this house, but for some reason this morning, she felt as if she were seeing him as if it were the first time. Silver-grey hair, broad muscular shoulders, toned back and...'_Sam stop looking at your COs six'_...he turned and she felt the blush creep up her neck and over her face.

Busted.

He just grinned wickedly at her, told her to sit, and turned back to the task at hand. Once the coffee had started to brew, he threw a bagel into the toaster. He then grabbed a small frying pan cooked up an egg, covered it with cheese, and proceeded to put both on the bagel.

Jack plated the sandwich, poured the coffee, and turned to place the plate and cup on the table. As he set the plate in front of her, he looked up into her eyes and smiled.

Sam thought that she would melt. She once again felt herself blushing as she took everything in.

So much had gone so wrong in recent months that she could hardly believe she was sitting here. She closed her eyes and sighed contentedly.

It made Jack chuckle.

He tried not to stare as she tucked into the meager meal he'd provided. However, he knew as he looked at her over his kitchen table that this is what life was meant to be. Because, as he'd watched her sleeping this morning, he couldn't help imagining Sunday mornings in bed with coffee and the crossword, or the two of them wrapped in his grandmother's quilt cuddling in front of the fireplace at the cabin, and yes he even let himself entertain the fancy of that little brunette with a head full of curls and a smile like her mother's jumping between them as they try to sleep in on a weekend. Waking up beside her this morning had just felt right.

'_Dangerous Jack_,' he thought briefly but then just as quickly, he shoved the thought aside. They'd spent so long playing by the rules and letting other people dictate just about every aspect of their working relationship and friendship. Letting procedure and protocol determine how much emotion was too much and how too much concern for the other's well being bordered on unprofessional.

It was time to put it all aside and let themselves be honest.

Jack had spoken with General Hammond about his upcoming transfer to Washington to take his current position as Hammond was moving to a more advisory position. And, just a week before Jacob's funeral, he had personally received the request from Area 51 for Sam to head up Research and Development. He still hadn't had the opportunity to speak with her about it and find out if it was something she truly wanted and he was unwilling to sign off on it until he knew for certain where she stood, where they both stood for that matter.

There no doubt would always be an enemy out there that the SGC would be called to the frontlines to fight and that meant that SG-1 would never truly get a break from fighting all of the big bads they meet through the Stargate. So, waiting was no longer an option.

Over the last year, with him in charge of the SGC, and Sam, Daniel, and Teal'c going it alone (well, going it without him), things had already changed and a new course had begun mapping itself out. His transfer to D.C. would seal the deal. The original quartet would be broken up forever and if Sam decided to take her transfer as well, he was certain that Daniel and Teal'c would follow suit and jump ship. For as much as they loved being a part of SG-1, Daniel was dying to get a stint in Atlantis and the Free Jaffa had been trying to get Teal'c to take on a bigger role in their new leadership.

Life as they knew it was about to be altered for all of them.

Unfortunately, that meant it was all up to Sam. If she decided to stay at the SGC it's doubtful that Daniel or Teal'c would leave. Their loyalties to her were too strong. They would never let her go it alone and abandon her to a new team they couldn't trust to watch her six. But, Jack hadn't really let himself dwell on this possibility because it left little room for he and Sam to discuss, let alone decide, anything "off the record."

He must have been lost in his thoughts for quite some time because when he looked up from his cup, he saw Sam looking at him strangely.

"Penny for them, Sir," she said quietly.

"Carter, we're not on duty, and we're not going to be for quite some time. Drop the 'Sir' and please call me 'Jack,' especially when you're wearing my clothes and eating breakfast at my kitchen table."

"Ok. So, Jack," she loved the way his name played across her lips and smiled as she again offered, "A penny for your thoughts."

"Oh, Carter, these thoughts are gonna cost a lot more than that," he replied still giving her an impish grin.

"Sam."

"What?"

"If I'm dropping the 'Sir' and calling you 'Jack,' you have to drop the 'Carter' and call me 'Sam.' Especially when I've spent the night in your bed and you've made me breakfast." She blushed again but couldn't help donning a smirk of her own.

"Sam it is then," he replied with a nod.

They sat in silence for a few minutes sipping their coffee. Sam glanced outside again and couldn't help standing and walking over to the sliding door that led out to the deck, the deck where yesterday they seemed to have reached an understanding.

Smiling, she took another drink from her mug and turned back to face Jack.

"Well?" she questioned.

He took a deep breath and started the conversation they'd been waiting eight years to have.

TBC


End file.
